Blessings

For those who may not know, I am going thru a very dark time in my life. I'm not questioning God, per se, but I am questioning what He's doing in my life. Unemployed and unable to get ahead, I find myself wondering where He is and what the H E double hockey sticks He's doing in my life and if this is life in Him, why did I bother?

During one of those tearful moments, I heard a song on the radio that was so powerful that I had to immediately call my mom and read her the lyrics. It is one of those songs that, every time I hear it, brings tears to my eyes.

I've never been accused of being a crier, but as of lately, I can't think of anything else I am. I'm scared. I'm alone. I'm anxious.

But, the song that is helping me, in a very inexplicable way is BLESSINGS by Laura Story.

One of the lines that gets me in tears (because it's applying to me!) is:

And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near


I don't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep without tears preceeding it. There are moments when I think God is tired of my tears. I know that's not truth, but there are times it feels like it.

I've posted the lyrics to this lovely song. I wish I could post the song. Look it up on YouTube.

Even now, as I write this, I'm listening to the song and tears are forming. I only hope that God is listening to me and hasn't forgotten me.

"Blessings"

Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Pardon Me While I Laugh.

So, apparently, the rapture is supposed to happen tomorrow. Or Saturday. If you're in Guam or Austrailia or New Zealand, the rapture has already happened, right? Or is God supposed to wait until it's Saturday across the world, in which case, when it's Saturday in the US, it's already Sunday in the South Pacific, so God's timing is wrong, right?

God and I have had our laughs about this. See, I have spent the last month or so planning a Ladies Tea at my church and how dare He come back and ruin it for me. He smiles and laughs, reminding me that He is God and He can come back when He wants to.

So, okay. "You're coming back tomorrow, Lord. Fine. But, we're inside and in the basement of the church. How you gonna do that? Hunh, Lord?"

A soft laugh. "You'll go outside and I'll get you there. I'll send an angel in and he's going to tell you to walk outside. 'And, we're walking. We're walking.' Oh, wait. That's a Progressive commercial." He puts a finger to His Head. "Let Me think about another phrase."

Honestly, in all seriousness, I can see God up there, shaking His Head, going "Again? When will you stop? Listen to ME: NO MAN, NOR THE SON, NOR THE ANGELS IN HEAVEN KNOW THE DAY OR TIME. If I haven't let My Son know, what makes you think YOU know?"

I'm sure He's getting a good laugh out of it too.

But, hey! If the rapture happens tomorrow, at least I'll spend my last day on earth with my mom and best friend, in church, worshipping Him at my Ladies Tea. Can I ask to be in a better place?

Just hope He'll take care of my cats, whom I know won't be in the rapture.

What? Me? Worry? But, Of Course!

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like of of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' for the pagans run after all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. But, seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day had enough trouble of its own.*

I list this passage in Matthew as one of my favorites. I can't tell you how many times I have read and re-read and re-re-read this passage. How amazing it must be to not worry; to let tomorrow handle itself. I don't know of very many people who can. I know I can't. If I don't worry about tomorrow, than who will?

Oh, I know God will, but didn't He also make me human and humans worry?

Being without a job and the money it provides, I worry about how I'm going to pay bills. My brother is worrying about the decision of which motorhome to buy and I'm worried about which bills are going to get paid. So, worry is a part of the unemployment status.

God has, this past year and a half, provided and He has taken the one penny I had left in my account, covered EVERY last bill and still left that penny in my account. I know He's done that before, and experience tells me He'll do it again. He's good that way.

But, does that mean I don't worry? No. If anything, I worry so much that God has just kind of sat back. Not in a bad way, but in that "I'll-let-her-worry-herself-to-sleep-and-give-her-comfort-in-the-morning" sort of way. He doesn't stand back. He just knows I'm going to worry.

A few days ago, I felt the pangs of worry hit and the tears flowed. I'm "X" amount of dollars short for rent, electricity, and car insurance. Talk about fear and anxiety metamorphing into worry. And it became so overbearing, that I had to return to sleep, just for some rest from all the worry.

It was that day that God reminded me of this passage. He also reminded me of Beth Moore. What a blessing that woman has been for me and she doesn't even know me!

A few weeks ago, I finished up her "Believing God" study. I knew it was helpful then, but didn't realize the full impact of it until I was in tears, sobbing and gasping for breath before my Lord. Before I knew what was happening, my fingers started to form the "shield". I held on to these six things from Beth Moore's teaching:

GOD IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS!

GOD CAN DO WHAT HE SAYS HE CAN DO!

I AM WHO GOD SAYS I AM!

I CAN ALL THINGS THRU CHRIST (who strengthens me)

GOD'S WORD IS ALIVE AND ACTIVE IN ME!

I'M BELIEVING GOD!

Can I get a hallelujah!? I know someone wants to.

Will I worry about things? Yes, I will. But, I have someone I can turn to that will take my worry from me and softly remind me "I got this, child."

And, in the famous words of Beth Moore, let me say that again. In the midst of my turmoil and worry, I have Someone I can turn to who will softly say "I got this, My child." The tears of joy form in my eyes when I think of Him reminding me of that.

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care if itself.

And, in the words of Bill and Gloria Gaither: Because I know He holds my future!

And thankfully, I don't!

*Matthew 6:25 - 34 (NIV)

The Hardest Entry To Write So Far

I'm going to do something I said I would never do. After all, what I'm about to write about has, for years, been a "need to know" topic. I opened up to a friend about it simply because she was going through what I had gone through ten years earlier and I knew she needed to hear it.

I can promise that this entry isn't going to be easy to write, and by the time it's posted, I will have deleted and re-written and prayed and second guessed my decision on posting it. But, there's something that tells me that, unless I share it, it will always be a hinderence to me in some way. So, with a deep breath and a Texas size dosage of hesitation, I type.

There is this small part of me that wonders if it's the right thing to do. So, I hope that, as you read this, you understand how difficult that this was to write.

I spoke with God about this topic. I hadn't realized that a line of communication with Him had been closed until this topic came up at church. I have to admit, I have the greatest pastor this side of Heaven. I say this because, in all my years of attending church, I have never had a pastor that listens to God and obey in the way that my pastor does. Not to imply he always does. He makes it clear that there have been times that he hasn't. But, when it comes to this topic, even though it was mostly surface talk, it came across to me that my pastor listened to God and what He wanted.

Maybe I have a hard time with this topic because society has accepted divorce as though it was the most normal, Christian thing to do. God HATES divorce. He tells us in Malachi 2:16: "I hate divorce" says the Lord God of Isreal. "And I hate a man's covering himself with violence as a garment."

Yet, divorce has now become the "trendy" thing to do. Get married. Don't like that he picks his nose? Divorce him. Don't like the fact that she wears fleece socks to bed? Divorce her.

Even this is the trend in the church.

There is a stigma attached to being divorced. Most people don't understand it. I am divorced and I was looked at like I was the one at fault. My husband wanted to have an affair and he wanted to end the marriage. Alongside of the death of my marriage, I had to watch helplessly as my father was on the losing end of a struggle with cancer.

There was a period during this time that I couldn't talk. I communicated only by writing notes. I couldn't think of anything to rejoice or to talk about. I was struggling.

I knew that my marriage was over and no matter how I fought, he wanted to end it and so, for the first time in my life for anything, I didn't fight. I gave my ex-husband what he wanted: a divorce.

Oh, I tried for a long time to make light of it. "Well, you know that they say that for your first anniversary, you're to give paper and that's just what I did. He wanted it so bad, so I gave him divorce papers."

But, if you looked closely or listened hard enough, you would have seen and heard the pain and the hurt of rejection from the one that I loved and had promised to love. And he returned that love.

The first year after my divorce and my dad's death, I didn't focus on me. My mom had lost the man she had given 32 years of her life to and the man who fathered her two kids. She was most important. So, in an attempt to comfort her and support her, I went to a grief class with her to learn how to deal with grief.

This is where the door closed with God.

I was told flat out that the death of my marriage and dad at the same time was "God's Will and Plan for my life."

That was when I began to wonder what type of God I was serving. Why would He allow this pain and heartache to happen to me? Why would He PLAN it?

I could logically tell you that He didn't plan it. It wasn't what He wanted for me. But, until my current pastor's sermon on divorce, I hadn't realized how much I bought into that lie.

Matthew states that Moses permitted divorce because their hearts were hard. God hates divorce. He doesn't plan for anyone to endure it. See, He knows what happens because of divorce.

My ex-husband proved everything I knew to be true. Don't trust anyone because they'll break that trust. Don't ever fall in love because no one ever truly loves. Don't ever allow anyone to get close to you because it only makes you vulnerable to the pain and suffering that only those that love us can inflict upon us. Don't ever let anyone know the real you because that person isn't worth loving.

What has it cost me to think that way? Everything. What will it cost me to continue thinking that way? Everything. I have yet to let anyone get that close to me again.

I yearn to be in love and to be loved. I want to have that intimacy with another. But, I have been severely scarred in the battle and I'm battle weary. It's been said "Once bitten, twice shy." Yeah. Definately.

But, what's worse is how much time I lost with God. Subconciously, I blamed Him for my divorce.

But, to hear my pastor say that divorce is not God's will broke something.

I spent the night in tears, talking to God about what He already knew. I don't know if it will change right away. But, I at least have that line of communication with Him that I didn't have.

If you're reading this and you're either divorced or going through one, and you have been told how God willed it, don't believe the lies. God hates divorce and will never will it in the life of His children. That is something you can believe in.

A Small Note

When I started this blog, it was not intended for me to use. It was, and will remain, God's blog. I know God doesn't need a blog, but what I am saying is that I intended to use this blog to write about lessons that God has taught me. I don't know if I have any followers or if I'm just writing this for myself. Regardless, I know I've not updated in a few months, but God is working with me and sometimes the words of the lessons don't come out right if they are forced.

If God directs this blog, as I'm praying He does, then the words will flow like wine. But if He does not, then there are no words.

Simply put: this blog is here simply to honour and glorify God. Not the person thru whose hands are typing it. None of this is for my honour and glory. These have been lessons taught to me and I will share as God directs.

Thank you for your patience.

God bless.

Let's Get A Little Muddy

As a child, one of my favorite things to do was to play in the mud, much to my mother's dismay. There was something about the mud and getting dirty that I loved. Mud got everywhere. In my hair. Under my nails. On my clothes. So, I was only allowed to play in the mud in clothes that were not my best. Only natural.

As I grew older, I found that I still love to play in the mud. When I was 16, playing football on a rainy day, in the mud, with the boys, was a lot of fun. I can confidently say, I've never been the overtly feminine type.

Now, as a woman pushing 40, I still love to play in the mud.

So, it was of no surprise to anyone who knows me well that when the pastor of our church talked about getting muddy and having a kiddie pool of mud on the stage, and his asking for people to come up, that I went.

Of course, there is this child in me that is all excited. I get to play in the mud, in church.

But, there was a point to it.

As Christians, we tend to forget that we used to play in the mud. Our lives aren't as nearly perfect as we tend to think they are. We struggle with addictions and lack of faith and various other imperfections. But, yet, we are not willing to get into the mud and play.

The only way to win people to Christ is to do what He did: Meet them where they're at. Play in the mud. Get dirty with them, while all the while keeping our eyes focused on God.

Christ met me in my mud puddle. He met you in your mud puddle. He'll meet everyone in their mud puddle. But, as His children and disciples, we need to get muddy and meet those, both lost and found, in the mud puddle of their life.

And, like how my feet got a small "spa treatment" and felt soft after being in the mud yesterday, we will get dirty, but we'll also get something unexpected from being in the mud with someone else.

I don't know about you, but I'm ready to get in the mud.

Don't Forget Us!

I'm one of the "forgotten" in the church. I know it's hard to imagine anyone be a "forgotten" person in the church is a hard concept for most of us to grasp. But, unfortunately, it's true. In our 2 for 1 society, including the church, those of us that are just 1 tend to be pushed aside. It's not always intentional. Sometimes, people don't realize that they're doing that.

I know that I may be sounding sensitive, but trust me, I'm not, even though it is a bit of a sticky subject.

I tried several years ago to get a Singles Ministry started in our church. There was NO age limit, yet there weren't a lot of people over the age of 35. And it was pretty much just women. Oh, and one man.

Not complaining. At least they showed up.

But, as I contemplated possibly trying to start it again, I keep coming back to the idea that people think that a Singles Ministry is about finding your life partner; your husband or your wife. No one really thinks of the ministry part of it.

There are voids in a single's life that are hard to fill. I crawl into a cold bed every night, cuddling only with my cats at my feet. I come home to an empty home, filled only with the intermittent meows of my cats. I talk to my walls since I really have no one else to talk to when I need to cry or talk or to figure something out.

There is a need there in my life; imagine what needs are there in others lives.

A Singles Ministry should focus on the ministry part and not on the "find your partner" part. If it happens that someone finds love in a Singles Ministry, then God was working to bring them together, as long as they are both seeking Him and His Heart.

But, it's not a "meat market". It's where I should be able to go to talk about being single and how God is moving in my life that someone who's married may not understand. A Singles Ministry should be a place where it's OK for someone to be single.

I was a part of one where the original leaders were mid to late thirties and they had only been married a year. It gave me hope that, as long as I follow God and seek Him, if there is someone for me, I'll find him, as long as he's a Godly man.

This couple was called to be missionaries in England for 3 years. Of course, they went. They felt the call there. But, in their stead, a couple who had been married since she was 18 and he was 21. How could they understand what I was feeling?

There are feelings that a single person in their mid to late thirties feels that someone who hasn't walked on that road won't understand.

There are times that, as I approach 40, I question God and if He ever intended for me to find love. I even began to believe the lies that I am unloveable. How can someone married for over 30 years possibly begin to understand that there are those questions?

Some people cope with their single life very well and I am envious of those people. They may have had their questions or they felt from a very early point in life that they were not to be married.

Me? I knew from when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a wife and a mother. It's not happening.

So, what do I do? I blog about it. haha

Seriously, I question God. I put some blame (in fact, 99% of the blame falls on me) on myself and my inability to let people in close and to trust. But, as I find myself opening up to others and to God, the ever elusive Godly man evades me. I even had others ask what's wrong with me.

Is it all really me? Or can any of the blame, of the "what's wrong with..." fall on the men too? Why is it that as I woman, being single is a sin, but for men, being single is being "Godly".

It may not be that way in every church, for every one, but it's been my experience.

I'm sure I'm not the only one.

So, if in your church you come across someone who's single, don't talk to them like they have some sort of disease. They're not going to infect you with some sort of "singleton bug" that makes you suddenly ill or whatever.

They're just single. For whatever reason. Widowed. Divorced. Called to be. Just can't find the love. Feels unworthy of love. Has a career. Has trust issues. Doesn't know how to love. Just doesn't want to be married.

You don't know just by looking at a single person why they're single. Until you get to know them, it may not be wise to ask. You may come across as trying to "fix" their singleness. But, don't judge them because they're not in a marriage like you.

Sometimes, the happiest people are the single people. ;)

Just look around your church. There may be a need for a Singles Ministry that focuses on the Ministry.